Top 99 Funny One Liners For New Parents

Are you a new parent looking for some humor to lighten the mood? Check out our top 99 funny one liners for new parents!

1. Being a parent is like being a superhero, except you can’t fly, you’re always tired, and your arch-nemesis is a tiny version of yourself.
2. If at first you don’t succeed, try doing it the way your wife told you to.
3. Diapers: because you never really know true fear until you’re holding a ticking time bomb.
4. My wife says I’m too immature to be a parent. But I told her she’s wrong and then I threw a snowball at her face.
5. Being a parent is like being a teacher, except your students never graduate and you can’t give them detention.
6. My wife and I have decided to have a third child because we heard that the third one is always the charm. Or is it the third time’s a charm?
7. The best part of being a parent is when your child falls asleep and you can finally relax. The worst part is when they wake up and you have to do it all over again.
8. Parenting tip: if your child says “I hate you,” just remember that they probably don’t mean it. They’re just upset that you won’t let them eat ice cream for breakfast.
9. Why did the baby cross the playground? To get to the other slide.
10. Why did the dad cross the road? To get to the other side of the stroller.
11. Why did the mom cross the road? To get to the other side of the diaper bag.
12. Why did the baby cross the road again? To prove it wasn’t a chicken.
13. Parenting is like a marathon, except instead of water stations, you have coffee stations.
14. Being a parent means never having a clean house, but always having a full heart.
15. The hardest part of parenting is pretending you know what you’re doing.
16. Why did the baby throw the clock out the window? Because he wanted to see time fly.
17. Why did the dad bring a ladder to the party? Because he heard the drinks were on the house.
18. Why did the mom bring a flashlight to bed? So she could see what she was up against.
19. Parenting tip: if your child refuses to eat their vegetables, just tell them they’re magic beans and they’ll grow up to be big and strong like Jack.
20. Why did the baby cross the playground again? To get to the other baby.
21. Why did the dad wear sunglasses to the park? Because his kids were so bright.
22. Why did the mom bring a tape measure to the doctor’s office? To see how much her baby had grown.
23. Parenting is like a rollercoaster, except instead of screaming, you’re just trying to hold on for dear life.
24. Why did the baby put his shoes on the wrong feet? Because he didn’t know left from right.
25. Why did the dad bring a pillow to the office? Because he heard it was nap time.
26. Why did the mom bring a toolbox to the playground? So she could fix her child’s broken heart.
27. Parenting tip: if your child won’t stop crying, just start singing “Let It Go” from Frozen. It works every time.
28. Why did the baby cross the playground for the third time? To get to the other side of the sandbox.
29. Why did the dad bring a map to the mall? Because he heard it was a maze.
30. Why did the mom bring a dictionary to the game? So she could explain the rules to her child.
31. Parenting is like a game of Jenga, except you’re constantly adding more blocks and hoping the tower doesn’t fall.
32. Why did the baby put his toys in the oven? Because he wanted to bake a cake.
33. Why did the dad bring a snorkel to the pool? Because he heard it was deep.
34. Why did the mom bring a calculator to the grocery store? So she could add up all the discounts.
35. Parenting tip: if your child won’t go to bed, just tell them there’s a monster under the covers. They’ll be so scared they’ll fall asleep in no time.
36. Why did the baby cross the playground for the fourth time? To get to the other baby.
37. Why did the dad bring a camera to the zoo? To take pictures of his wild kids.
38. Why did the mom bring a notepad to the park? So she could write down all the funny things her child said.
39. Parenting is like a game of chess, except your opponent is a tiny human who doesn’t know the rules.
40. Why did the baby put his sippy cup in the fish tank? Because he wanted to see the fish drink.
41. Why did the dad bring a tent to the backyard? Because he heard it was a camping trip.
42. Why did the mom bring a map to the museum? So she could find her way back to the gift shop.
43. Parenting tip: if your child won’t eat their dinner, just tell them it’s a science experiment. They’ll be so interested they’ll forget they’re eating.
44. Why did the baby cross the playground for the fifth time? To get to the other baby.
45. Why did the dad bring a calculator to the restaurant? Because he heard it was a math problem.
46. Why did the mom bring a whistle to the beach? So she could keep track of her kids.
47. Parenting is like a game of tag, except you’re always “it” and you can never tag anyone else.
48. Why did the baby put his pacifier in the toaster? Because he wanted it warm and toasty.
49. Why did the dad bring a compass to the amusement park? Because he heard it was a maze.
50. Why did the mom bring a megaphone to the soccer game? So she could cheer extra loud.
51. Parenting tip: if your child won’t take a bath, just tell them it’s a pool party. They’ll be so excited they won’t even notice the soap.
52. Why did the baby cross the playground for the sixth time? To get to the other baby.
53. Why did the dad bring a shovel to the beach? Because he heard it was a sandcastle competition.
54. Why did the mom bring a pillow to the movie theater? So she could take a nap during the boring parts.
55. Parenting is like a game of hide and seek, except you’re always seeking and you can never find anyone.
56. Why did the baby put his teddy bear in the washing machine? Because he wanted it to have a bath.
57. Why did the dad bring a flashlight to the haunted house? Because he heard it was scary.
58. Why did the mom bring a pen to the party? So she could fill out the RSVPs.
59. Parenting tip: if your child won’t brush their teeth, just tell them it’s a dance party. They’ll be so busy dancing they won’t even notice the toothpaste.
60. Why did the baby cross the playground for the seventh time? To get to the other baby.
61. Why did the dad bring a stapler to the office party? Because he heard it was a paper jam.
62. Why did the mom bring a calculator to the bake sale? So she could add up all the profits.
63. Parenting is like a game of charades, except you’re the only one who knows the answer and you can’t talk.
64. Why did the baby put his shoes on his hands? Because he wanted to walk on his hands.
65. Why did the dad bring a map to the amusement park? Because he heard it was a maze.
66. Why did the mom bring a camera to the dance recital? So she could capture all the memories.
67. Parenting tip: if your child won’t stop jumping on the bed, just tell them it’s a trampoline. They’ll be so happy they won’t even notice they’re in trouble.
68. Why did the baby cross the playground for the eighth time? To get to the other baby.
69. Why did the dad bring a pillow to the car wash? Because he heard it was a nap station.
70. Why did the mom bring a